I can write endless ridiculously heartfelt words about my boys, my family, but when it comes to me it's a little harder.
I love my role as Mom, wife, I seriously wouldn't wish to do anything different. This is the time for me to be here, and I know it will be the most special of my life. Last week I had a procedure and before they took me in and gave me the happy juice I had a really sweet conversation with one of the nurses. One of those you know God sent, words just for you. She said she would trade places with me in a "New York minute." She had raised six children (not all at the same time as she said), but those were the happiest years of her life. Did she seem to still love her life now? Yes. What she meant was just that the time was beautiful. We also talked about how people expected her (and me) to be frazzled, complain about our kids, and how she never felt that way overall. Her advice, to never talk bad about your children in public...you have to be their champion. As I say, if you aren't going to be their biggest fan and support who will?
Her words spoke right into my heart and it was somewhat of an intimate conversation to have with a complete stranger, yet her kinds eyes, demeanor, and humor put me at ease. I told her I love my life and I do, it doesn't mean I don't have super-hard want to scream at the top of your lungs, stay in bed and eat some Ben & Jerry's Fro-Yo (the whole pint of Half Baked to be exact) days, moments, even minutes. I do and sometimes I wallow in them too long, but more than that I fight the feeling, I don't want to feel sorry for myself ever, and some days it's just better to admit it's a tough one and tomorrow is brand new and again His grace flows freely.
I am never one to give-in to what others want me to be or expect. I will never give anyone that satisfaction. Nor will my children. I do not want a pity party, when someone remarks, "better you than me" I couldn't agree more. I am not pampered in the way this world thinks of pampered. I have always worked hard...my entire life, and most things I have really wanted in my life I have not come easy or even remotely easy.
I feel life, I can't turn it off, God made me this way and I will no longer apologize for it. Label it sensitive if you must ;) but I am so happy to be touched by it all, maybe I feel the bad a little more than others, but I feel all the good and the joy more too. I have known unaffected people who have no ability to process empathy and despite the intensity of my feelings, I would so rather feel! Connecting to life is what makes it beautiful! I was gifted 5 BOYS, little men to raise. My little men are sensitive, emotional, and feeling too. They were made perfect by Him. My heart is joyful to work with my husband raising 5 men who will be allowed to cry, feel, connect, love, all of it, and I am trusting in His plan in entrusting them to me.
Sure this is the hardest, most emotionally involved, incredible thing I have ever done. Those who know me best know I am a big fan of telling the truth and living who you are, living authentically. When the day is done all that matters is feeling His grace, learning to lighten up on myself, and loving on my loves. I know I am living in the sweet spot and it isn't lost on this blessed mama.